The Tumblr Bible

Jacob and Leah had one daughter - Dinah, and she went out to visit some of the women in the region. When she was out, Shechem, son of Hamor the Hivite, the prince of that area, saw her, seized her, and raped her.

However, he figured he was in love with her so he went to his dad, and asked if Dinah could be his wife.

Jacob heard about his daughter’s rape, but he waited until his 11 strapping sons returned from the fields before he did anything. Hamor, Shechem’s dad, and Shechem also went to visit Jacob, and arrived at about the same time.

Jacob’s sons were, understandably, HELLA PISSED.

Hamor: “There’s an easy solution to this whole mess. My son loves Dinah, why not let them marry? Join your people to ours, and we’ll all prosper! Seriously, name your wedding price, and I’ll pay it.”

Jacob’s sons: “Anything?”

Hamor: “ANYTHING.”

Jacob’s sons came up with a plan, and lied: “Foreskins, please.”

Hamor: “Wait, what?”

Jacob’s sons: “It’s tradition among our people. All our males are circumcised - we can’t let our precious only sister go to a man whose twig and berries has an extra scrap of bark on it. However, if you and your son and all the men in your city get circumcised, we’ll gladly let our sister marry Shechem and we’ll join you in happy, foreskin-less peace and prosperity.”

Hamor: “You can’t be seriou-“

Shechem: “WE’LL DO IT!”

Hamor: “….”

Shechem really was super-in-love with Dinah, and to him, chopping off part of his penis was a small price to pay. And eventually Shechem and Hamor when back to their city and spoke to all the men.

Hamor: “So, uh, we met some cool people outside the city. They’re super rich and have lots of livestock and hot sons and whatnot. And they want to join with us and intermingle with our people, and all their wealth will be joined to ours.”

Men of the City: “That sounds great! What could possibly be bad about that?”

Hamor: “…well, for them to do that we all have to cut off our foreskins.”

Men of the City: “The ones on our PENISES?”

Hamor: “I KNOW, RIGHT?! But what can I do? My son, he’s totally in love with their daughter! Plus did I mention they’re rich? Besides - it’s 6000 BC. What do we know about medicine? For all we know, foreskins can grow back!”

Men of the City: “….okay then.” And so all the males in that town agreed to be circumcised.

One small surgical procedure later …

Men of the City: “THIS IS THE STUPIDEST DECISION WE HAVE EVER MADE.”

Simeon and Levi (Jacob’s sons with Leah): “SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKERS!”

While all the men in the city were curled up in fetal positions of genital agony, Simeon and Levi stormed the city and killed them all - including Shechem and Habor - and rescued Dinah. The other brothers came in later and plundered the defenseless city, grabbing up swag left and right and kidnapping all the women and children.

Jacob: “What the HELL! Simeon, Levi, are you crazy? Now the Canaanites and Perizzites hate us! I make sons like it’s my job but we’re still too few to contend with them if they decide to team up against us!”

Simeon and Levi: “So our sister should be treated like a whore? No way!”

When Jacob saw Esau coming in the distance, with all his men, he divided his children among his wives and maids - he put the maids and their kids first, with Leah and her sons behind, and finally Rachel and Joseph following securely behind two layers of human shields.

Jacob walked out ahead of them all, bowing seven times before Esau.

But Esau surprised everyone by running to meet Jacob and hugging him.

Esau: “JACOB! I MISSED YOU! Who are these fine people?”

Jacob: “Oh, let me introduce you - I have my ugly wife, Leah. My hot wife, Rachel. Their two sexy maids. And all my sons!”

And Jacob’s family members all came forward and bowed.

Esau: “Jacob, this is awesome - but why did you give me all the livestock?”

Jacob: “I wanted to make up for being such a dick and stealing your birthright and blessing.”

Esau: “Bro, that’s in the past. I’ve over all that. Seriously - keep what’s yours. I do alright for myself.”

Jacob: “No, please take them. I’m just so happy to see you again without getting murdered. God’s been really cool with me, and I have everything I could possibly need. Plus that Bath and Body Works coupon totally expires in, like, a week.”

Esau: “Oooh! Good to know!” So he accepted Jacob’s gifts.

Esau: “Why don’t we all journey together? Your caravan and mine?”

Jacob: “No can do, Esau. I’ve got 11 boys all under the age of 12 and nursing flocks - if I drive them too hard, they’ll die. You go on ahead of me. I’ll catch up eventually.”

So Esau went on ahead, and Jacob travelled more slowly until he arrived in Shechem, where he purchased a plot of land.

So Jacob went back towards the homeland of his father Isaac (briefly camping with some Angels along the way), and he sent servants ahead of him to let his brother Esau know he was coming, hoping to gauge his reaction.

Jacob: “Tell him I’ve been living with Laban all these years, but now I’ve come back, and I’ve got all this awesome swag, and I hope that he’s still not pissed at me.”

The messengers returned, saying: “Esau’s coming to meet you - with 400 men!”

Jacob: “SHIT.”

Immediately, he divided his caravan into two companies, with the idea that if Esau attacked and destroyed one, at least part of his family would escape.

Jacob: “Dear God, it’s me, Jacob. You told me to come back to this land, and that I would father a million billion descendants and if you’ve been reading the last couple of chapters of Genesis, you’ll see I’ve been making significant headway in that area. But I’m scared. I know I was a giant prick to Esau, but please don’t let him kill me and my family.”

His next plan was bribery. He decided to give Esau a present of:

• 200 female goats
• 20 male goats
• 200 ewes
• 20 rams
• 30 milch camels and colts
• 40 cows
• 10 bulls
• 20 female donkeys
• 10 male donkeys
• 1 30% Off Coupon for Bath and Body Works

And he sent his servants off with the herds in shifts, one after the other with instructions to tell Esau that these animals were a gift from Jacob, and that Jacob was following behind. Ultimately, he hoped the animals would butter Esau up so that he wouldn’t be as inclined to murder his ass.

To protect his family further, Jacob took his two wives, his two maid-concubines, and his eleven sons and sent them across the Jabbok river, away from him. When he was alone, a Hot Angel Dude appeared to him and started wrestling with him.

Jacob was doing pretty well for himself in the fight, until the Angel punched him in the hip, dislocating the bone.

Angel: “Let me go, it’s morning!”

Jacob: “Not until you say bless me!” And he got the Hot Angel Dude in a headlock.

Angel: “No!”

Jacob: “SAY IT!”

Angel: “No!”

Jacob then took the Angel’s hand and struck him in the face with it. “Stop blessing yourself! Stop blessing yourself!”

Angel: “What’s your name?”

Jacob: “Jacob.”

Angel: “Not anymore - it’s Israel now, which means ‘the one who strives with God’ - because you wouldn’t give up, even when I punched you with my righteous Angelic fist.”

Jacob: “But what’s YOUR name?”

Angel: “Doesn’t matter.” And he blessed him and disappeared. Jacob knew he was blessed because he had performed a headlock on a messenger of God and survived, and he limped onward (for his hip was still dislocated - and that’s why when Israelites eat meat, they don’t eat the thigh muscle on the hip socket).

People in Laban’s territory were starting to get a little miffed with Jacob, and how he appeared to be getting richer off of Laban’s bad luck (what with all the new sheep and goats being born speckled, and thus belonging to Jacob as per his agreement with Laban).

Well, Jacob was pissed with Laban, too, and he called his wives together.

Jacob: “Sorry, ladies, but we gotta split. Your dad is kind of a dick. He’s cheated me repeatedly, and it’s only thanks to God’s awesomeness that I have anything at all. Plus, I had a totes prophetic God-dream where the Lord Almighty told me to return to the land of my father, Isaac. Some speckled sheep and goats may have factored into it.”

Rachel and Leah: “Our dad? You mean the jerkwad who used us as a literal bait and switch? YEAH, SCREW THAT GUY.”

Jacob: “Boots and saddles, ladies!” And Jacob gathered his goods and his wealth and his household and hightailed it out of there.

But not before Rachel stole her father’s household gods. Tee hee!

Three days later, Laban got the news and grabbed his kinsmen to overtake Jacob - until he, too, had a Totes Prophetic God-Dream:

God: “BACK OFF, LABAN. SHUT YOUR MOUTH AROUND JACOB, YOU HEAR ME?”

But Laban caught up to Jacob anyhow.

Laban: “WHAT THE HELL JACOB? You lied and ran away with my daughters like some kind of thief. If you’d onlytoldme you were leaving, I could have thrown an awesome party or something. With some nice music and a keg or two. You were worth at least one keg! Plus you stole my household gods! NOT COOL, JACOB!”

Jacob: “I was afraid if I asked, you’d kick my ass and take my wives away by force - on that note, however, I didn’t steal your household gods. Search my party - if you find anyone with the gods, go ahead and kill them.” Naturally, at this point in the story, he was still uninformed of his wife’s theft.

So Laban searched Jacob’s and Leah’s tents and found nothing. Before he got to Rachel’s tent (she who had stolen the gods in the first place), she took the gods and put them in a sack and sat on them.

Laban searched everywhere in her tent except for the cushion she was sitting on.

Rachel: “Oh, don’t mind me, daddy. Sorry I can’t stand up to greet you. Cramps, you understand. The great miracle of monthly lady business!”

And Laban beat ahastyretreat from that tent without finding anything that he was looking for.

Jacob: “You happy now, Pa-in-Law? It’s not enough that I’ve served you faithfully for 20 years (despite you changing my salary like, ten times in the last six years) without once cheating you or mistreating your flock? If it hadn’t been for God, I would be dirt poor!”

Laban: “Back up, Jacob! Your wives are MY daughters, and your flock came from MY SHEEP. You wouldn’t have anything if it weren’t for me! But let’s ease this bad blood between us with a covenant.”

So Jacob and Laban and their kids and grandkids gathered stones into a heap, and Jacob took a large stone and set it up into a pillar.

Laban: “These stones will be a witness between you and me. If you hurt my little girls or take any more skanky wives, the Lord will be watching. Now, I won’t pass this pillar to go onto your side, if you don’t cross the pillar onto mine. Deal?”

Jacob: “Deal.” And they both swore on the fear of God to obey the covenant. Afterwards, Laban stayed for dinner but left in the morning.

Rachel was NOT happy that her older, uglier sister had all Jacob’s kids while she had none.

Rachel: “GIVE ME A BABY, JACOB! YOU’VE GIVEN LEAH FOUR AND SHE’S UGLY!”

Jacob: “OMG SHUT UP RACHEL, I CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH.”

Rachel: “Fine - bang my maid Bilhah, then her kids will be mine!”

Jacob: “….wait. There’s a catch in there somewhere.”

Rachel: “No strings! I promise!”

So Jacob, gentleman that he was, obeyed his wife and had sex with her sexy maid, Bilhah, who ended up having a son named Dan.

Rachel: “SUCK IT, LEAH!”

Bilhah then bore another son, and Rachel named him Naphtali.

Rachel:

Now that Rachel (with 2 sons) was catching up to Leah’s record (with 4), Leah was starting to get nervous.

Leah: “Jacob should bang MY hot maid, Zilpah, too!”

Jacob: “It’s only fair!”

So Jacob slept with Zilpah, who bore him 2 more sons for Leah’s homegrown softball team - Gad and Asher.

Leah:

Meanwhile, Leah’s son Reuben was out in the fields, and harvested some fresh mandrakes.

Rachel: “I could really go for a fresh mandrake right about now.”

Leah: “Guess you should have thought of that BEFORE YOU STOLE MY HUSBAND. Get your own son, and your own son’s mandrakes!”

Rachel: “At least I don’t have to use my son’s mandrakes to pay Jacob for sex!”

Leah: “FINE. I WILL THEN. Jacob! You can have these juicy, juicy mandrakes if you have sex with me!”

Jacob: “Don’t have to ask me twice!”

And Leah conceived a fifth son, whom she named Issachar. Then Leah got pregnant again (blame the mandrakes!) and gave birth to Zebulun.

Leah: “Can’t stop the baby train! Whoo! Thanks, God!” She also bore a daughter (random) named Dinah.

God: “Okay, Rachel, it’s been long enough. Here’s a bun for your oven!” AndfinallyRachel had a son of her own, whom she named Joseph.

After Rachel had Joseph, Jacob went to Laban.

Jacob: “I’ve been working for you for while, and we had some good years, but this is my two weeks’ notice.”

Laban: “Are you crazy? You can’t leave! We’ve been so successful with you running my herds! If you want a raise, you can have it!”

Jacob: “I’m serious - it’s time I focused on my own family. I’ve been having some sister-wife-maid drama, lately.”

Laban: “Been there. But there’s gotta be something you want.”

Jacob: “How about this - I go through your flock, and every black lamb or speckled sheep or goat will be mine. I won’t take any of the white ones - those will be yours.”

Laban: “Deal!” But Laban was a cheap, cheating bastard, and that night, he took all the striped and speckled and black animals in his flock, and gave them to his sons who hightailed it out of there, gaining at least three days’ distance on Jacob.

Jacob had a card up his sleeve, however. Using cleverness, he bred Laban’s flocks in a particular way so that they gave birth to speckled lambs. Then he bred those speckled ones in a particular way so that the speckled animals were stronger and healthier while the white ones (Laban’s) were weaker and more inbred.

And through this, Jacob grew super rich and powerful, while Laban’s fortunes waned.

A.k.a. Jacob and the Sisterly Bait-and-Switch

So Jacob went east, until he came across a field with several flocks of sheep all scattered around a well with a round stone blocking its mouth. When the shepherds wanted to water their sheep, they had to roll the big-ass rock from the well’s mouth, water their sheep, then roll the stone back into place.

Jacob: “Wassup, bros? Where are you from?”

Shepherds: “Haran!”

Jacob: “No way, do you know Laban son of Nahor?”

Shepherds: “Sure do!”

Jacob: “How’s he doin’?”

Shepherds: “Pretty sweet, plus he’s got a hot daughter named Rachel - look, there she is!”

Rachel came by with her father’s sheep.

Jacob:

The promise of hot shepherdess action lit a fire under Jacob’s rear and he went and moved the stone off the well himself just for Rachel. Then he went up to Rachel and kissed her.

Rachel: “Wow!”

Jacob: “BTW WE’RE TOTALLY BLOOD RELATED! ISN’T IT AWESOME?”

Rachel: “…I’m just gonna go get my dad.”

When Laban found out Jacob was in town, he ran out to meet him, and made out with Jacob as well - they were a very affectionate family.

Laban: “IMPROMPTU FAMILY REUNION!”

Jacob: “AWESOME!”

Laban: “So if you want to work for me, I’m going to have to pay you something. What’ll it be?” For Laban had two daughters - Leah, the eldest, who had lovely … eyes. And Rachel, the secondborn, who was smokin’ hot.

Jacob: “Rachel, please!”

Laban: “Better you have her than some other jerkwad. Work for me for seven years, and she’ll be your wife.”

So Jacob worked seven years for Laban, but it only seemed like a few days because he really really loved Rachel and had nothing else going on.

Jacob: “YES! Marital relations time!”

So Laban made a feast and invited all his friends - however, after the sun set, he brought Leah to Jacob instead - and Jacob very inconveniently and unromantically discovered this in what has to be the most awkward morning-after in the Bible since Lot and his daughters (see:Genesis, Chapter 19).

Laban:

“It’s against our nation’s customs to marry the younger sister before the elder. Didn’t I tell you?”

Jacob: “FFFFFFFUUUUUUUU-“

Laban: “Give it a week. Then I’ll let you marry Rachel - but only if you agree to work for me for another seven years.”

Jacob: *grumble grumble* “FINE.”

Jacob waited a week, then married Rachel and finally scratched his seven-year (give or take a few days) itch. 

While Jacob clearly and obviously loved Rachel more, God was Team Leah. He made her Extra-Fertile to make up for Jacob’s neglect and shut Rachel’s womb tighter than a porthole on a submarine. Leah wound up having four sons in quick succession - Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah - each time hoping that providing yet another strapping boy would gain her Jacob’s affection. No dice.

Upon Rebekah’s advice, Isaac took Jacob aside.

Isaac: “I think it’s time you found a wife, but not a skanky Canaanite wife like Esau has. They can’t even cook - why do you think he was willing to sell his birthright for stew? Go to your Uncle Laban’s house in Paddan-aram and see if he’ll let you marry one of your cousins. God go with you and give you many little babies.”

Jacob: “Is that really what God said to Abraham?”

Isaac: “Something like that. I’m pretty sure lots of babies was involved.”

Esau heard that his parents thought his Canaanite wives were skanky hos, so he thought to rectify the situation by marrying his half-cousin Mahalath - daughter of Ishmael, Isaac’s half-brother. Or maybe he just wanted some decent stew for a change.

While Jacob was travelling, he came to a shaded place and fell a sleep, using a rock for a pillow. And he had a totally awesome dream about a great ladder leading up to heaven, with angels running up and down it. And God appeared to him in the dream.

God: “I am the God of Abraham and your dad! I will bless you and give you this land for yourself and your babies - and may you have lots of babies, I mean descendants, and they shall outnumber the dust of the Earth! I will go with you - and I won’t leave until you receive what I’ve promised you!”

And Jacob woke up.

Jacob: “Holy crap God was here the whole time!” And he was pretty freaked out, to say the least.

So he took the stone that he’d used for a pillow and used it to build an altar instead, and poured oil on it.

Jacob: “I’ll call this land Bethel, and if God keeps me fed and clothed and protected until I can return to my father’s house without my stupid-ass brother murdering me, than He will be my God, and this stone will be His House.”

piparminttuperhonen started following you

Bless you, my child.

Now, in his old age, Isaac’s eyesight started going all wonky, so he called his oldest son Esau to him.

Isaac: “Look, I’m not getting any younger. Go out and shoot me some game, because I want a nice, red steak before I kick it - and also, I would like to bless you before I die.”

But Isaac’s wife Rebekah heard this and went to Jacob, who was her favourite.

Rebekah: “Your dad’s going to give his blessing to Esau! We can’t let that happen - go out and kill two goats, I’ll cook them up the way Isaac likes ‘em, and you can give them to your dad and get his blessing instead.”

Jacob: “Dad’s blind, but he’s not stupid. What if he grabs my arm? Esau looks like a Wookie in a turtleneck. It’s going to be obvious I’m not Esau.”

Rebekah: “I can take the heat. Just do as I tell you.”

So Jacob did, and Rebekah fried up those goat steaks just the way Isaac liked them. She then gave Jacob some of Esau’s clothes, and got him to wear goat-skin on his arms and neck to disguise his hairless complexion.

So Jacob went into Isaac’s tent.

Jacob: “Did someone order the Tent Special? Eat up and bless me!”

Isaac: “Well, that was fast.”

Jacob: “Um, God helped me hunt … good. Yeah.”

Isaac: “Come closer.” And he touched the furry goat-skin that Jacob was wearing. “Talks like Jacob, but feels like Esau. You’re sure you’re Esau?”

Jacob: “Last time I checked.”

Isaac: “Works for me! Bring on the grub!”

So Isaac ate and drank, then pulled Jacob closer. Jacob smelled like Esau, due to the borrowed clothes he was wearing, further convincing Isaac.

Isaac: “Blessing time! You are my son, you smell awesome and fun. May God give you riches, and spite hater-bitches. Nations will kneel, for keeping it real. Your bros will kowtow, soon if not now! Cursed be anyone who curses you, and all that!”

Jacob: “Awesome - and exit stage right!”

No sooner had Jacob left than Esau arrived with his own meat.

Esau: “Hey Dad! It’s your favourite son with your favourite food!”

Isaac: “Um, WTF.”

Esau: “It’s me, Esau! You told me to go out and hunt. I would have come earlier, but I found this really delicious garlic and pepper marinade and IT’S NOT LIKE A FEW MINUTES WOULD HAVE MADE ANY DIFFERENCE, RIGHT? AHAHAHA.”

Isaac: “Um….well this is awkward. Someone … else … came into my tent with some food and I may have … uh, thought he was you and …blessed him instead.”

Esau:

Isaac: “Your brother Jacob beat you to the punch and tricked me into it!”

Esau: “JACOB, THAT LITTLE SHIT I AM GOING TO KILL HIM. He already tricked me into giving away my birthright in exchange for stew -“

Isaac: “Wait, what?”

Esau: “It had lentils in it.”

Isaac: “CURSE JACOB AND HIS DELICIOUS CULINARY TRICKERY!”

Esau: “And now he’s stolen my blessing. You don’t, by any small chance, have any super-secret-special blessing reserved only for me, would you?”

Isaac: “I’m fresh out! I used my last one on Jacob, the one that said all his brothers will serve him.”

Esau:

Isaac: “Okay, I have one blessing - You won’t have as much as Jacob, and you’ll have to live by the sword and serve your brother - but once you break free, you are going to tear off the freaking ROOF.”

Esau: “WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!”

Now Esau was understandably PRETTY DAMN PISSED about the current state of affairs.

Esau: “As soon as my dad’s dead, I’M GOING TO KILL JACOB, THAT LITTLE SHIT.”

Rebekah heard this and told Jacob: “You really stepped in it, Jacob. You gotta get the hell out of dodge before you get your ass killed. Go check in with my brother Laban in Haran - at least until Esau cools down a little. Once he’s sane again, I’ll let you know and you can come back.”

To explain this to Isaac, Rebekah said, “Can I not have any more skanky Hittite women for daughters-in-law? Let’s move Jacob somewhere where he can extend our family tree into, shall we say, more proper gene pools!”

Another famine came upon the land, meaning Isaac and his family would have to move. At first they were planning on going to Egypt, except the Lord stopped them.

God: “Nah, man, I’ll show you where to go. Get there, and I’ll protect and guide you - plus I’ll give you descendants as numerous as the stars!”

Isaac: “That’s what you said to my dad!’

God: “STILL TRUE!”

Isaac: “Point made.” So Isaac and his family settled at Gerar. But Isaac’s wife, Rebekah, was super-hot. And apparently hot-wife paranoia is hereditary, for Isaac decided to tell all the dudes in Gerar that Rebekah was apparently his super-hot sister, in order to prevent one of those guys from killing Isaac to get to her - BECAUSE THAT WORKED OUT SO WELL FOR HIS DAD ABRAHAM THE FIRST TWO TIMES. But whatevs!

After Isaac and his family had been living at Gerar for a while, who should chance upon them but our favourite accidental almost-wife-banger, King Abimelech of the Philistines! (see:Genesis, Chapters 12 & 20).

Abimelech caught Isaac playing “tune the car radio” with his alleged “sister” and was NOT AMUSED, AS YOU MIGHT IMAGINE.

Abimelech: “YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. THIS IS THE THIRD DAMNTIME. Get your head together, Isaac! Any one of my bros could have banged your wife accidentally-on-purpose! What the HELL?”

Isaac: “…..sorry…”

But Abimelech wasn’t taking any chances, and told his people that anyone who harassed Isaac and Rebekah would be put to death. Meanwhile Isaac made some astute financial gambles and became fantastically wealthy.

But the Phillistines weren’t a fan of this, what with Isaac being a foreign sister-fondler and all, so they stopped up or caved in his father’s wells just to be jerks, and told him to hit the road.

So Isaac and his family started travelling and digging wells, which kept getting filled in by jerky Phillistines. This continued until he reached Beer-sheba, and the Lord appeared to him in a dream, telling him all about the thousands of millions of descendants he would have.

And there Isaac dug another well, and Abimelech and his advisors Ahuzzah and Phicol turned up to apologize for being jerky jerks.

Abimelech: “Let’s make another covenant, to be excellent to each other, and to ROCK ON DUDES!”

Isaac: “YEAH!” *Wild Stallyon air guitar moves*

Meanwhile, Isaac’s eldest son Esau married a pair of Hittite ladies, Beeri and Basemath, who did NOT get along with their in-laws AT ALL.